She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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