my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
