i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
