Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
