cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
