is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
