I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
