i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
