So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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