A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
