I just gift wrapped bread.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
