I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
