The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
