One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
