dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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