I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize