woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize