I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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