It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
