i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Watching her eat just hurts me
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
