and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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