i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize