Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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