You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
