Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
