I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You were trust falling into bushes
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