I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
