AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
