Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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