ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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