i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I want her autograph on my taint
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
