Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
