i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
