I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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