Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
