I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize