remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
