The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
