are you so shy because you have an std?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
