I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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