its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize