The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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