You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
