I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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