And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
