There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
