You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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