I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
