I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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