I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
