tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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