We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
