I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just found a bag of teeth...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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