Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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