Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
