I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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